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Hanging head in shame

Yeah, I haven’t been doing so good on the diet. I keep gaining and losing the same 5 pounds +1 because I was not working out, and I have cheated every single weekend. I have had no self-control.

I believe it was weight watchers that recommend 10 percent goals. I think I’m going to have to start some reward system for myself because my current “Goals” aren’t working.

In case you were wondering, my current goals are just to lose weight for certain events. My husband’s 30-year reunion is next month, and I’d like to look nice for that. Our trip to Maine is at the end of August, and I’d like to be back in a size 18 like I was the last time I was there two years ago. Our trip to Vegas is in November and well, you know the drill.

None of that seems to keep me motivated though so I’m thinking an actual reward system with material rewards might start helping. Maybe some sort of reward on the trips, like putting the money aside for a show in Vegas or a shopping trip in Maine. Hell, maybe just a new pair of shoes here. šŸ˜€

That is where the 10 percent goals come into play.
Ten percent of my current body weight is 26 pounds. When put like that, it hardly seems as daunting of a task as losing a hundred plus pounds right?

Ten percent after that would only be 23 pounds. I like how the goals get smaller the more I lose! šŸ™‚ I’m not going to put a time limit on them because that is just a recipe for disaster, but I am going to set the goals for a pretty good prize. Am I thinking massage? Oh, yes…I think so!

See how I just talked myself into that?

Hubs and I took an extended four-day break from the diet because both of us seemed to have lost all desire to cook and on low carb that is kind of important.

I got back on the bandwagon on Tuesday and have not only been eating on point but have actually worked out for the last three days! How come I’m not skinny yet?? šŸ™‚ I peeked at the scale this morning and I appear to be down 3 pounds since Tuesday. I will officially weigh in tomorrow to get my weigh-ins back on a normal schedule and go forward from there.

I just have to keep focused. I hope the small 10% goal reward system will work!!

Back to Low Carb

So last Monday, The Hubs and I went back on low carb.  It was rather a spur of the moment decision that Friday night but it had been something I had been secretly thinking about for awhile. 

For whatever excuse I want to tell myself, I just can’t seem to get myself focused and stay on WW.  I have been gaining and losing the same five pounds for the better part of a year now and I can’t take it anymore.  That and my blood pressure has been elevated.  I know that is stress related.  I’ve got a lot of crap going on in my personal life right now but that is neither here nor there.  When I low carb and exercise my blood pressure goes down.

I know that you have to exercise on low carb which is where I pretty much failed the last few times I did it.  Well, what better time to get back on it than when I am training for a 1/2 marathon.  I HAVE to get my exercise in.

Now having made the decision to drastically change our eating habits two days before we actually did it may have been a little ambitious.  Given that we had committed to a late face making class that would tie up our Monday and Wednesday night, we would have to shopped and cooked very well for the week.  We didn’t so much.

On Saturday I got some bad news from back home that sort of floored me for the entire weekend.  I did manage to cook a bit, but we were not prepared for the week to start at all.

That being said, we did quite well. 

However, I learned from my mistake and when I grocery shopped this week I got tons of convenience stuff:


photo 1

These looked super handy to snack on when we are at work and tempted by donuts and bagels that get brought in.

photo 2

I don’t do well with sugar alcohols.  They spike my insulin.  It bums we out, but what can you do?  As far as the Atkins bars I like to chop them into teeny tiny pieces and put them in the freezer for when I am craving something sweet.  I can have a fraction of one and feel good.

photo 3(1)I LOVE Beef Jerky.  The problem with it is that it can be high in carbs and I have no portion control when it comes to eating it.  I found these at the grocery store today.  2 carbs per bag, five per box.  Works for me!

photo 5 photo 4Put these in your pocket and go!  I was super excited to see these because they will be perfect on the nights we have class and we are starving by the time we get out.  Bust these out on the ride home and it will keep us satisfied til we get home.

I also got off my ass and made some low carb buns and made some thin crust pizzas on low carb tortillas. 

Oh and did I fail to mention that I have already lost four pounds?

My Love/Hate Relationship with Exercise.


  • I hate knowing that I have to do it:
    • Just knowing that I have to run on my lunch hour makes me not want to do it.  Every minute that precedes said lunch hour is spent in an internal debate about why I should or shouldn’t go on the run.  It’s a toss up by lunch time whether I have talked myself out of it or not.
  • I hate getting sweaty for it:
    • I sweat…A LOT.  I always have and I always will.  I can sweat just sitting in a chair doing nothing, so it is so much worse when I actually get active.  I hate that I go through so many different articles of clothing because washing them no longer gets rid of the stink.  Yes, I sweat that much.  The number of tank tops and sweatshirts I have tossed because even I couldn’t stand the armpit stench anymore is pretty amazing. 
    • I also hate that once I have gotten active and sweaty, there is no real way to cool myself down short of a cold shower or maybe a nap.  It makes it really uncomfortable to carry go on about your day when I work out in the middle of the day and don’t have access to a shower/nap.  I can’t tell you the number of times I have apologized for profusely sweating for no reason to a cast member at rehearsal for a play.
  • I hate that it takes time out of my day:
    • In order to get in a work out that makes a difference in my day I have to go for at least a half an hour.  Given that I like to sleep a lot and usually have some sort of play rehearsal going on that limits my work out time to usually my lunch hours during the week.  That gives me a half hour to go for a run and then I have less than 30 minutes to prepare my lunch, eat and change to get back to work.  Just thinking about it makes me sweat – see above.
  • I hate that no matter how many times I run, I still hurt:
    • It’s not in what my husband would call a “bad hurt” like something is broken or torn, but in the sore muscle way.  I’ve been running for three weeks straight, shouldn’t my shins and calves be getting used to this by now??  It’s not that they hurt so much after as it is during.
    • What does hurt after is my knees and hips and ankles, and I know that is probably the sheer weight that is coming down on those joints but it doesn’t make me like it any less. 
  • I hate that I hate it:
    • I desperately want to be one of those women that look forward to every single workout and become addicted to it.  Sadly, that is not me.


  • I love how I feel after a workout:
    • I love how it clears my mind and gets me back in control of my emotions.  I have fought depression all of my adult life and exercise seems to be the only way to combat it without chemicals.  I have managed to ween myself down to half the dosage on my anti-depressants this year but I still kind felt off, unless I work out.
    • After I work out I am at peace.  My thoughts are clear instead of jumbled and nothing really bothers me.  I have a pretty hot temper and so to say this really means a lot.
    • I have had pretty bad anxiety for most of my adult life as well.  At one time it was so intense that I was very afraid of large open spaces.  I couldn’t walk outside without having something to hold onto.  While that has gotten a lot easier over the years I still have a tendency to panic over nothing for no reason.  That dramatically decreases on the days I work out.
    • I love how I still feel pretty good even the next morning.  I love waking up in the morning, stretching and feeling like I gave my body a run for it’s money the day before.
  • I love how it motivates me:
    • On a day when I have no desire to be productive, after a work out I am on a mission to get sh*t done.  I cannot be idle so I have no option other than to get to work at whatever task is at hand.
  • I love how it lowers my blood pressure. 
    • When I was 26 years old and over 300 lbs I was put on blood pressure meds.  When I was TWENTY SIX!  As I lost the weight I was able to ween myself off them and haven’t taken them in many many years but my BP tends to run on the low end of high still.  When I work out consistently I notice that it drops a significant amount.

 As you can see, I have quite the love/hate relationship with working out.  In theory, the good should outweigh the bad every time, but it doesn’t always work that way.

What are your reasons to get out there and get a work out in?

What are the most common reasons that you bail on them?

Let’s talk about chafing shall we?

Okay, so it’s no secret that I am a big girl.  And being a big girl, I have big arms, funny how that works.  Something I discovered early on in my running training is that when I run for more than two days in a row I get a nasty chafing underneath my arms in my armpit area.  It was something I just came to accept.  I hated it and it hurt.  It made me not want to go for my runs, but it was just something I had to accept.  Years of running came at a price of not being able to rest my arms properly without pain.

Recently, my husband told that he switches out his deodorants every so often because he feels that after a while, his body gets used to one brand and it just stops working as well.  This isn’t something he hasn’t told me before, but I usually don’t pay much attention because I was raised on Secret deodorant that tells you it is PH balanced so your body doesn’t get used to it.

I don’t like the smell of most deodorants.  I think they smell like bathrooms and that doesn’t thrill me.  Secret came out with a vanilla scented one a few years back and I fell in love with it.  It appears that they are discontinuing it, so about two weeks ago I was at the grocery store and decided to look for something new.

41cw42JTlGLIt didn’t smell too bad and it promised to keep my underarms moisturized.  I threw it in my cart.

Well, I have to say I’m a total convert.  It not only keeps me from stinking better than my old favorite Secret, but I’ve been running consistently the past two weeks and I have not had ONE problem with the usual painful chafing.  This is a pretty huge deal for me since I used to put off going on a run because of the inability to put my arms down without pain after.  I LOVE this product!!! 

In other news, I’ve been running pretty regularly, whether I want to or not.  It has helped immensely with the work stress I’ve been having lately and it really calms me down after.  I don’t think I would have survived this week without it.  I have hated every step of the way some days, but I always feel amazing after.

The Wharf to Wharf is a week away and while I haven’t gotten a LOT of distance in, I’m more confident in myself than I was the last time I ran it.  It’s going to hurt, I have no doubt about that, but my only goal is just to finish before the truck comes by to clear the road.

My food intake has not been so good.  Yesterday, after rehearsal I hit the store and stocked up on a LOT of frozen diet dinners.  The Lean Cuisines and generics of that sort of brand to try and help.  I’m going to be going into rehearsals of my current play and I’m hoping it will make it easier on my husband for not having to cook every night and also easier on me for actually having some sort of portion control.  I know it’s a lot of sodium but I’m hoping I can just use this as a sort of jump start.

That’s pretty much all I have to report for right now.  

Oh, and I spruced up an old layout.  What’cha think?


New Layout!

My apologies to anyone that tried to access my page last night and this morning as I was revamping stuff, but as you can see now, we are back in business!

So my running sort of got sidetracked last week. SHOCKING, I know. I did two days out of seven, so it wasn’t a total loss, but yeah. Not quite the powerhouse I imagined myself being. It’s is another week, however, and I am starting myself off with a bang.




As sad as it sounds that is the longest run/walk I’ve done in a very long time. 1.5 miles. But the point is that I DID it, and I am proud of getting out there and accomplishing that.

My back was KILLING me after the first five minutes, and I guess I just have to realize that it’s not my alignment. I got adjusted last week, and it’s still hurting like it did. It’s the fact that I’m carrying 40 more pounds on my frame than I am used to when I go for my runs. My body responds like it used to in terms of being gung ho and catching a groove, but my back screams that things are not back to normal.

So I’ve decided I’ve just got to power through. My back doesn’t hurt the rest of the day, so that means it is a very temporary thing. It means my lower back has to gain strength as my belly loses girth. The only way to do that is to keep going.

The other thing I need to do is realize I can’t be as fast as I used to. When I strap on my headphones and hit the road, my body wants to go into auto pilot. It remembers how I used to run and wants to keep up with the beat of the music, but I have to remember that I haven’t run in a very long time. Well over a year. My body can’t just pick up where it left off no matter how much I want it to. It’s okay to just walk. It’s okay to walk slowly. The key is consistency. Just do it every day, no matter how much I don’t want to. The more I do it, the easier it will get and eventually I WILL find my groove again.


Suck it up Buttercup

Yeah, so sitting around on my ass begging for motivation has not suddenly made me into a diet and fitness queen. Go figure.

So instead of wondering where my willpower when it is coming back, I’ve decided to go ahead and GET IT BACK on my own.

I would like to tell you that a light went off in my head, or I just woke up suddenly craving vegetables, but that is not the case. I forced myself to log onto weight watchers for the first time in forever and look up some recipes. Now I’m cooking.

I am going into rehearsals the next two weeks for Reservoir Dogs(shameless plug below!), and I have a choice. I can either go the easy route and eat fast food during that time frame or I can cook on the days I don’t have rehearsal for the days that I do. And while I would love to justify eating burgers and fries for the next two weeks for the sake of convenience, I know that is a cop out.

I’m not saying I’m going full fledged on my weight watchers points starting today; I’m just saying that I’m going to try to make better choices.

I’m currently boiling some root veggies for Garlic Mashed Root Vegetables(recipe to follow in a later post) and next up will be Healthy Beef-A-Roni.

I may not be feeling all that inspired right now, but it has sure felt good dancing around my kitchen to some Justin Timberlake while I at least TRY to cook healthy.

And now for my shameless promotion. I am involved in a stage adaption of Reservoir Dogs, and it is gearing up to be one hell of a show. If you are in the Monterey area you should really come see this show.  Go to Paperwing.com for details:



Where did it go?

The problem with dieting is getting the motivation to start and then keeping the willpower to continue it. I know, I just blew your mind, right?

Not exactly groundbreaking news but the fact is I lack both of those key factors. Even when I finally get gung ho about following a diet or improving my eating habits, it rarely lasts more than a couple days. The painful truth is that most of the time I lack any desire to eat right and exercise.

I used to crave it. I used to LOVE chopping veggies in my kitchen knowing I was making a good low calorie dish for myself. It used to be a fun challenge to take a regular recipe and make it more diet friendly.

I have a desire to be thinner and healthier, but none to actually go through the steps to make that happen. I don’t know exactly when that changed, but it did.

I have a 10K in July and a 1/2 marathon in November and I’m in the worst shape that I’ve been in, in the last 8 or 9 years. I thought that signing up and paying for those races would somehow motivate me. So far, I have been very wrong.

How do I get it back? CAN I get it back? I don’t want to weight 300+ pounds again but yet I do nothing as the weight keeps creeping up.

Thoughts? Suggestions? I would REALLY appreciate any input.

Woe is me.

I haven’t been this big in a long time. The plain and honest truth. I’ve been bigger than this sure, but it’s been many years since I have felt this out of shape. Most of my clothes don’t fit and the few that do don’t look at all attractive. Yet I cannot stop shoveling food into my big fat face.

I’d love to tell you that the reason behind this entry is that I have finally found the motivation to get the lead(and fat) out. However, I have said that so many times in the past only to stumble and fall only days later, that even I no longer have faith in myself!

I go onstage for the first time since last May in two weeks, and I feel so disgusted that people are going to see me like this, and judge me and wonder why they didn’t hire a “regular” sized person for the role. Beyond that, I am just so out of shape. I’m winded when walking short distances, and I quit smoking a year ago so I can’t blame it on that. I sit down, and my belly just juts out like I’m 8 months pregnant. My back is really feeling the strain. My lower back has always hated it when I carried a large amount of extra weight but as I get older it gets worse.

So what am I going to do? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I want it to be a super easy answer where I just say: “Okay, so I’ll just try this!” and boom it’s the answer to all of my lack of willpower. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I guess I’ll just keep on struggling through one day at a time, trying to make the best decisions I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other…literally. I just need to keep my body moving if nothing else.

Sorry for the depressing entry but this is where my head is at right now.

Well, it’s a start


So I managed to avoid those beauties yesterday when a thoughtful co-worker brought them into the break room first thing in the morning.

Today our company received a gift from a vendor of chocolate covered strawberries. When my boss distributed them desk to desk, I took one to be polite and then chopped it in half, removed the chocolate and ate the strawberry. Fruits are free points on the points plus program! šŸ™‚

Though I haven’t officially weighed in(you know damn well I check the scale every single day, it’s a sickness!) I am down 3.2 pounds since Monday…I know it’s all water weight, but I don’t really care.

We have an office party on Friday that will have lots of yummy food. I’m going to allow myself one taste of everything that I want and not go overboard. That’s how I’m going to handle Christmas dinner as well. In our family, we have a tradition of making lasagna for Christmas instead of the usual turkey and all the trimmings. And my mother in law makes a mean lasagna and don’t even get me started on the garlic bread, but I’m pretty sure that is all I’m going to eat that day. I’m not going to get crazy obsessed with staying on points, but I’m not going to go hog wild with the eating either.

I feel good. I know it’s only been three days, but this is honestly the longest I’ve been on a diet without taking little cheats here and there in a very long time. It doesn’t sound like much, but just the fact that I’m excited about staying on a diet says a lot when I consider the mind frame I’ve been in for the last year.

I finally feel like there is hope again.

A weekend away.

So my weekend to myself is winding down already.  It’s been a lot of fun and I have stuck to my diet!

Friday night after work, I drove about an hour to get to my hotel, but before getting to the hotel I had one stop to make:


In N Out Burger is a rare treat for me since the I don’t live near one.  There is one in Salinas but that is kind of a haul to get a burger.  Since this IMG_0220was just a block from my hotel I knew what I was getting for dinner.   A Double Double Protein Style -plain with just cheese is only 3 carbs so I got two and a diet coke. 

I ate one before I even left the parking lot because I was STARVING and then checked into my hotel.


The room was pretty cool.  IMG_0215Has a flat screen TV, fridge and microwave.  It fit all of my needs.  I unpacked and settled in.  The television had Direct TV so I was overwhelmed with the amount of movie channels that were offered and spend a great deal of time vegging out to the tube.  I facebooked, wrote a little and did a bit of crochet before eating the second burger and dozing off to the tv.



This morning I woke up and got into my bathing suit.  I hit the hot tub and relaxed for a while before taking a shockingly cold dip in the pool and then back to the room for a quick shower.  Once I was dressed I headed over to Black Bear Diner across the street and got some take out.  I got a Hobo’s Omelet with a side of bacon.


I ate about half.  I was going to have lunch with a friend that was traveling up to see me so I didn’t want to fill up but I was starving.  Oh and I ate all the bacon because, well…BACON!

My friend arrived a little bit later and we headed over to Chevy’s for lunch.  The service was really slow but good.  Our server explained that someone had failed to show up for work today and he was the only one there.  I really appreciated his honesty and felt really bad for him.  The speediness of the service didn’t matter to me today.  I’m not sweating the small stuff this weekend.  It turned out to be a good thing since I hadn’t seen my friend Koly in FOREVER so it gave us a lot of time to sit and talk at length. 

We both got the mixed Fajitas.  I didn’t substitute anything I just pulled off the rice and beans when it came and the rest was “legal”.  Tons of meat and veggies and sour cream and guacamole.  It was a little slice of heaven.


After lunch we discovered that Koly’s car wouldn’t start.  It was actually her dad’s truck and the key was kind of warped.  She came to the conclusion that it was just not recognizing the key because she could put it over to the start side and pull the key right out.  She called her boyfriend to go get her dad’s spare key while we walked back to my hotel, less than a block away.  We then took my car to the outlet malls since we had planned on shopping anyway and now had about an hour to kill until her boyfriend got there.

I had never been to the outlet mall and having been now, I can say I think they are a bit overrated.  Not enough parking and they are outside.  In the Gilroy heat.  I didn’t like having to go round and round and round to find a parking space.  However, I DID find a really cute outfit at the Dress Barn out there complete with matching earrings and bracelets. 

We tried the other half of the outlet malls but we couldn’t find parking.  I had allotted myself enough carbs to grab a sugar free starbucks(two pumps sugar free cinnamon dolce and heavy cream) but with out parking I couldn’t get it.  Oh well.  Maybe in the morning before I leave.

By the time we got frustrated with the parking her boyfriend was almost there so we headed over there instead.  Koly was spot on with her diagnosis of the car and it fired right up with a different key.  With her car back in shape we took a second shopping detour and headed to Ross where I got a serious bargain on some Sketchers.  šŸ™‚


Back at the hotel I Skyped with my husband and my dogs and now I’m relaxing.  skype

I was going to take a nap but I think I’d rather get to bed early and wake up for a hot tub in the morning before I leave.  Over all I think it was a successful weekend away that was just as good as if I had cheated on my diet.  Maybe even better because I never had that overly full “i’m going to puke” feeling.  šŸ™‚