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Grrrrrr!

265

265 pounds.

Let’s just let that sink in for a second shall we?  That was my weight as of Monday morning.  That is LESS than forty pounds away from being 300 pounds again.  It’s true that I don’t know how far above 300 I actually got at my heaviest because my scale broke (poor overworked thing!), but it doesn’t matter.

I feel every ounce of this weight gain.  In fact, some days I feel even heavier than I did at my highest weight.  I know that has a lot to do with age.  When I was 300 plus pounds before, I was in my early 20’s.  No real health worries other than that pesky high blood pressure.  Hello?  I was put on blood pressure meds when I was 26 years old, and I wasn’t concerned that much?  Hmph.

Anyhoo.  None of this news should surprise me because it’s not like I’ve been doing a whole lot to try to lose weight, let alone maintain my current weight.  I dabbled in low carb again for a minute, but had such a horrible attack of gastritis brought on my my diverticulitis from all the almond flower and broccoli I had eaten, that I didn’t dare to try again.  Really, wasn’t that just an excuse though?

Then it was all about the trip to Korea coming up.  No sense in dieting because we are going to eat whatever we want while we are there.  And after we got home it was just one excuse after another. 

Truth be told, after 30 some odd years of dieting, I’m just TIRED of it!  It’s hard and I don’t like things to be difficult.  I like to be able to eat whatever I want and then lay about on the couch like a big slug and never have to worry about my health or how I look.

Yes, I am fully aware that is pretty much everyone’s dream as well, but at least I’m being honest.  And furthermore, I am so sick of working out.  I went on such a great stretch of running and training and I felt and looked great.  I don’t know where all my motivation has gone.  It makes me very sad and kind of disturbed.  Like I’m giving in to the depression that has always loomed heavy around me my whole life.  I hate it so much, yet I know exactly what I need to do to change it and I refuse.  I just can’t get out of my own head!

Having said that, I started the purification diet again on Monday.  It lasts 21 days, so I know it isn’t forever and I am familiar enough with it that I could sort of launch myself into it with little prep.  Not to mention the first time I did this diet, I lost 15 pounds in three weeks.  I’m not expecting the same results this time, but that would be nice.  😉

This time around there are many more recipes to keep variety alive on the SP website, so that is encouraging.  Sunday I made some vegetable soup that I have been eating for lunch the last two days.  Tonight I made some hummus made from homemade tahini, zucchini, olive oil, lemon juice and a couple other spices.  While it isn’t the hummus I know, it will be so nice to dip my veggies into something after eating them plain the last couple of days.

So I’m rounding down day two tonight and it hasn’t been easy at all.  In fact, I can’t tell you the number of times I have almost reached for some sort of food not on the diet just out of sheer habit, but I’m doing it.  I hope to add exercise soon, but I’m not going to push my luck just yet. 

All I can do is keep trying right?  I’m still not feeling gung ho, or 100 percent on this, but I’m just putting one step in front of the other at this point.  Hopefully I will get where I need to be. 

 

Here We Go Again…

So yeah, I know.  I’ve not really been around this blog and there is a good reason for that. 

I gave up.

It all started when I gave myself permission to take the year off from the Vegas 1/2 marathon.  I had done it that previous three years and decided I would skip it for 2013 and give myself a break.  Apparently, I gave myself a break from EVERYTHING.  From exercise to trying to eat right, I have pretty much done NOTHING in the way of trying to get healthy. 

Sure, I would start a diet for a couple weeks but even then I was taking little cheats here and here and then complaining because I wasn’t losing any weight.  I’d overlook my cheating and get frustrated at my lack of results and quit the diet.  Well, you can only be in denial for so long.

My year of denial has cost me an extra 30 pounds, depression, mood swings and the inability to walk a mile without my lower back seizing up like it used to when I was 300+ pounds and I couldn’t walk more than a block.

I’m at 250 pounds.  That is the heaviest I’ve been in a darn good long time.  A tight size 22 with an uncomfortable amount of girth around my stomach.  I feel unhealthy. 

So here I go again.  I have rejoined weight watchers and started back on the points today.  I also took my first walk in forever on my lunch break.  I didn’t even make it a mile.  After fifteen minutes I had to call it and go inside. 

But it’s a start.  I want more than anything to get healthy again, definitely more than food.

I know that the holidays are a stupid crazy time to start a diet but I will allow myself to indulge on Christmas with my husbands family as long as I don’t go crazy and get right back to tracking the next day.  Working out will become a  necessity as I do no like how I feel mentally and emotionally when I don’t. 

So here we go again and I look forward to feeling better and hopefully shrinking once more.

 

Here we go again…

My tried and true pair of fat pants has gone missing. The trusty pair of jeans that I have worn on an almost daily basis for the last two months cannot be found. I have NO idea where they could have gone but I’m almost glad that I can’t find them.
I’ve put on weight. According to the scale it isn’t a HUGE amount but my body has shifted and I’m getting fatter. As long as I had my favorite pair of fat pants I could stay in denial. I had those jeans and a few select tops, all was cool. Who cares if it meant doing laundry almost every night? As long as I had my “uniform” I wasn’t getting any bigger right?
Losing my camouflage has made me delve into my closet for some rather *ahem* creative wardrobe choices.
All this week I’ve been having digestion issues because the jeans that I have shoved my fat ass into are practically cutting me in half when I’m sitting at my desk all day. But did that stop me from shoving Chinese food in my mouth? Heck no!
The straw that broke the camels back happened on Wednesday when one of the under-wires on my bra snapped in half. This bra was acting much like my fat jeans were in the way of being worn and laundered daily. It is the last “good” bra I have in my current size. I managed to pull the under-wire out, scotch tape it together and shove it back in to get through the rest of the day but it can’t be worn again.
Yesterday I had to dig through the dozens of bras that I have to find *something* that would tide me over until I could order a new one. I ended up with a size smaller and an extender and was miserable all day because it was squeezing and pinching me.
I NO LONGER HAVE ANY CLOTHES THAT FIT ME!
How much larger of a wake up call do I need????
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So here I am again. Time to dust off the calorie counting books and apps on my phone. Time to actually care about what I’m putting in my mouth and most importantly time to get my butt moving again.
On the plus side I have started up rehearsals for the new play that I’m involved in so my time sitting on my couch snacking is going to be a lot less. Plus this is a dance heavy musical so I am going to be forced into sweating some of this off. 🙂
I refuse to buy a new wardrobe in a bigger size!

Update

No news is ever good news when it comes to a diet blog.  Let’s face it, if I was losing weight I’d be on here bragging about it every single week.
Instead I got frustrated with only losing 5 pounds in three months of low carbing and went on a food binge.  It started in Vegas at the beginning of December and it really hasn’t stopped since.
I did my half marathon and let me tell you that I was very poorly trained for it.  I walked the entire thing.  My goal was just to finish.  I can’t even tell you how many times I wanted to give up and sit on the side of the road, waiting for the clean up bus to pick me up with the rest of the losers.  I finished and got my medal.  My time was about 20 minutes longer than my last two times.  Which isn’t that bad considering, but I was WRECKED after.  To read about the whole trip you can go here:  http://www.kellystravels.com/2012/12/08/vegas2012/
The smart thing we did this year was to switch to a hotel right by the finish line so I could literally just finish and walk up to the room and get in a hot bath.
My poor husband had to walk me through the casino as I was crying and wincing and moaning the whole time.
If I ever do another marathon I will make sure I am properly trained.  I don’t care how much I paid for the race, I will skip it if I am not prepared.
So since then I haven’t gone on a single walk, let alone a run and I’ve been stuffing my face with pretty much anything that catches my fancy.
Today I put on what used to be my fat jeans and they are tight.
My weight doesn’t seem to be *that* much higher that it has been running all last year but I think I’m not remembering my weight correctly.  It seems that I’ve been flirting with 240 pounds for years but actually I had gotten down to 215 at the end of 2011 so I’ve gradually gained 25 lbs back.  That explains why all my clothes are tight.  Ug.
So it’s time to rein it in.  Since low carb was a bust for me last year I’m going to go back to a low calorie kind of diet.
The play that I’m involved in is ending this weekend and I can get back to cooking every night for a month until my next play starts in a month.
It’s also time to strap my running shoes back on.  I am soooo out of shape.  We had to learn some dance choreography at call backs a couple weeks ago and I was so sore the next day.  And it was pretty basic stuff.
I will be shopping this weekend to stock up on all the low calorie ingredients I will need to make this happen.

Ooooppppppsssss!

So yeah…epic fail.
I really made a big mistake by not checking to make sure I had properly backed up my blog files before cutting all ties with my former server. Whoops!
I have some stuff archived so I will try to put it back together the best that I can but um, yeah I think a lot of my old whining and complaining are lost forever. That may or may not be a bad thing. 🙂
I’ve taken this as a sign to finally turn my website into something new with some sort of structure.
We’ll see how that goes.
Alright, that’s all I’ve got for now. Time to go work on the website. Ug.