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Deep Thoughts

Day Four of the Purification and a sad revelation

So it’s interesting to me, that my “meals” have become more of a variety of snacks than full on meals.  For example- this morning for breakfast I had a small bowl of pureed squash, pepper strips dipped in homemade “zucchini hummus” and followed with one of my shakes as desert.  Lunch was a small bowl of homemade veggie soup, followed by carrot sticks dipped in the same hummus and a half of an avocado.  I never feel stuffed, but I always feel satisfied.  And to be quite honest, I was getting sick of the overly full feeling I was getting from every meal lately.  The disgust that I felt that I had eaten that much, followed by the carb crash about an hour later and the desperate sodium thirst that happened after.  It had been a pretty never ending cycle for me for quite some time recently.

Having said that, I can’t deny that I see all the snacks and food we have at home and I just want to dive in.  While I feel “satisfied” most of the time, it would be so much easier to grab a bag of chips rather than cut up veggies.  To make a quick sandwich for lunch tomorrow would be very simple compared to prepping all the things needed to go in a salad, or gathering all my “snacks” together to make a meal.  Convenience has ruled my life and my diet for a very long time.  Even when I lost all my weight initially, it was because the low carb craze had hit and hit big.  There were little low carb pop up shops where you could get everything under the sun!  Low carb cereal and pizza.  Even Cheetos and Doritos came out with low(er) carb options at the time.  It was a full on mania and I loved it.

Having to prepare meals every single night just gets old.  I know that sounds really stupid, because…well, that is what adults do right?  You come home and make dinner for your family.  I guess I’ve gotten complacent and quite frankly, lazy.   Wow.  See, this is why I blog.  That was a realization for me right there. 

Okay, it’s no secret that I’m lazy, that’s not what I meant.  However, I just realized how much I have been doing myself a disservice by thinking that cooking takes up too much of my free time.  By wanting the convenience of fast meals for myself and my husband all week, simply so I could watch more TV and play on the internet, I have really been cheating myself out of a healthier body and mind.  Not to mention the exercising I could be doing to make my mental health better again.   I do realize that isn’t rocket science, and I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind I have known this all along.  But for me to put it on virtual pen to paper, it hit home really hard right now.

All this week I have been going to bed early – mostly to read and fall asleep.  This is because I’m afraid I will want to cheat on my diet if I stay up in close proximity to the kitchen until I “get tired”.  I haven’t watched TV at all this week and I haven’t missed it. 

I had forgotten how much I love reading until my eyes are too tired to stay open and then closing them.  Maybe not falling asleep right away, because I am replaying what just happened in the book in delicious detail in my mind, but loving every second of doing so.  That used to be a habit from my childhood.  Back when we couldn’t afford cable or phone and there was no internet.  I loved that.

Wow.  I think I need to go let that sink in for a minute.

265

265 pounds.

Let’s just let that sink in for a second shall we?  That was my weight as of Monday morning.  That is LESS than forty pounds away from being 300 pounds again.  It’s true that I don’t know how far above 300 I actually got at my heaviest because my scale broke (poor overworked thing!), but it doesn’t matter.

I feel every ounce of this weight gain.  In fact, some days I feel even heavier than I did at my highest weight.  I know that has a lot to do with age.  When I was 300 plus pounds before, I was in my early 20’s.  No real health worries other than that pesky high blood pressure.  Hello?  I was put on blood pressure meds when I was 26 years old, and I wasn’t concerned that much?  Hmph.

Anyhoo.  None of this news should surprise me because it’s not like I’ve been doing a whole lot to try to lose weight, let alone maintain my current weight.  I dabbled in low carb again for a minute, but had such a horrible attack of gastritis brought on my my diverticulitis from all the almond flower and broccoli I had eaten, that I didn’t dare to try again.  Really, wasn’t that just an excuse though?

Then it was all about the trip to Korea coming up.  No sense in dieting because we are going to eat whatever we want while we are there.  And after we got home it was just one excuse after another. 

Truth be told, after 30 some odd years of dieting, I’m just TIRED of it!  It’s hard and I don’t like things to be difficult.  I like to be able to eat whatever I want and then lay about on the couch like a big slug and never have to worry about my health or how I look.

Yes, I am fully aware that is pretty much everyone’s dream as well, but at least I’m being honest.  And furthermore, I am so sick of working out.  I went on such a great stretch of running and training and I felt and looked great.  I don’t know where all my motivation has gone.  It makes me very sad and kind of disturbed.  Like I’m giving in to the depression that has always loomed heavy around me my whole life.  I hate it so much, yet I know exactly what I need to do to change it and I refuse.  I just can’t get out of my own head!

Having said that, I started the purification diet again on Monday.  It lasts 21 days, so I know it isn’t forever and I am familiar enough with it that I could sort of launch myself into it with little prep.  Not to mention the first time I did this diet, I lost 15 pounds in three weeks.  I’m not expecting the same results this time, but that would be nice.  😉

This time around there are many more recipes to keep variety alive on the SP website, so that is encouraging.  Sunday I made some vegetable soup that I have been eating for lunch the last two days.  Tonight I made some hummus made from homemade tahini, zucchini, olive oil, lemon juice and a couple other spices.  While it isn’t the hummus I know, it will be so nice to dip my veggies into something after eating them plain the last couple of days.

So I’m rounding down day two tonight and it hasn’t been easy at all.  In fact, I can’t tell you the number of times I have almost reached for some sort of food not on the diet just out of sheer habit, but I’m doing it.  I hope to add exercise soon, but I’m not going to push my luck just yet. 

All I can do is keep trying right?  I’m still not feeling gung ho, or 100 percent on this, but I’m just putting one step in front of the other at this point.  Hopefully I will get where I need to be. 

 

Week Two Weigh In

251.4

– 1.4 for the week

-3.8 total

Okay, so admittedly this hasn’t been the GIANT weight loss I usually get when I first start low carb.  But it is a LOSS so I am just going to smile and say YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I am proud to say I stayed on induction all week with the exception of adding nuts on the weekends.  I really did expect a bigger loss since I was getting off my period, but beggars can’t be choosers.
The big addition that we got to help our diet this weekend is we got our foodsaver back from my in laws.  You know, that little gadget that vacuum seals bags so you can freeze them and have them last longer without freezer burn?
I’m pretty excited to make up some bulk recipes this weekend and freeze them for the weeks ahead.  As I always say, the trick to this diet is being prepared.

The other thing that I need to start doing is exercising.  The book states plainly that exercise on this way of eating is NON NEGOTIABLE!  For whatever reason when I was in my 20’s and did the diet for two years I got away with it.  Must have had a high metabolism at that time I guess.  Not so much now. 
Having said that, next week I’ll be strapping on my sneakers for the first time since the 1/2 marathon in November.  Yeah, that’s four months that I’ve been a slug.  At first I used the excuse that my toenail had fallen off as a result of my poor planning for the marathon, but it’s already mostly grown back and it hasn’t hurt in about three months so yeah…no more excuses.
I’m not going to be doing any hardcore training by any stretch of the imagination, but I am going to get my butt moving.  A mere 20 minute brisk walk on my lunch break should get me back in the game.  Physically AND mentally.
While I have been feeling pretty good lately, I’m still lacking something to feel like my old self.  I’ve been using essential oils at work and home to perk me up or calm me down and those work pretty well, there is an underlying feeling of restlessness that I can’t quite put my finger on.  It occurred to me the other day that when I felt this in the past, going for a run helped out immensely.  One run would put that feeling at bay for a couple of days at least.  I need to get that mental stability back in my life in a big way.  I’m not feeling all together bad or anything, I just feel a bit… off. 
I’m pretty sure working out is the key to getting everything back together again.

 

 

I know, I know…

So I know that the last post I put in this blog was in October of last year.  And I know that it spoke about going back on low carb.  Truth be told, I was on “low carb” for about two months and lost five pounds.  Even more truth be told, I had forgotten all about what low carb dieting was.

I was not doing induction.  I was not doing much of anything, other than trying to stay under a certain number of carbs and not paying very much attention to that number.

I hadn’t even thought about induction since I started low carb all those years ago and managed to lose 80 pounds.  I “forgot” about how important the rules are to this diet/way of eating.  Mostly, because I wanted to forget.

In my distant memory, the weight just seemed to melt off back then.  And truth be told, it did!  Because I followed the diet to a Tee!  I didn’t add any of the processed “low carb” items you can now get readily at any grocery store.  I ate meat and veggies and cheese and I was good.  No nuts or seeds and no peanut butter.  No processed snacks other than pork rinds and I was losing every single week. 

In fact towards the “height” of low carb back in the early 2000’s I DID start adding those types of things in to my diet and that is when I started to stall.  That was when all of a sudden my cravings came back and the cheating started.

Every single time I have attempted low carb since then I have done it half assed.  I have eaten lots of meat and veggies but I have also added tons of peanut butter, nuts and “low carb” treats.  I have paid zero attention to the induction menu and just eaten whatever was deemed “low carb”.

Thus we have come to today.  I am over 250 pounds again and rising.  When I was truly dedicated I got down to 210 or so and I was so happy.  I was also younger and the body was more forgiving in how it carried the fat.

Nowadays at over 250 pounds and 40 years old, I feel a lot like I don’t want to go out into public.  I look at my body in the mirror and even though I have been way bigger than this in weight, I feel like I look just as big as I did back when I weight 350.  As you get older, your body distributes your weight differently and that sucks. 

I have found that while I weigh less than I did at my heaviest, my body is starting to look worse than it did back then.  I have much more back fat that likes to roll over my bra line and make an ever attractive roll in whatever shirt I choose to wear.  My core is much more of a barrel shape than it ever was.  Back in the day I may have been big, but I had a nice hour glass figure.  As I age, not so much.

My mom always told me that if I lost weight when I was younger it would be so much easier.  She said once you reached a certain age, it just got hard to lose. 

I rolled my eyes and continued being a teenager.

She wasn’t wrong. 

However, what I’m hoping that I can do is get back into induction for reals this time and get back to losing.  I have a bunch of recipes set up and a shopping list at my fingertips.

I NEED to do this, this time around.  I’m far too heavy to where I am comfortable and I need to reverse this.

 

Dysmenorrhea

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I was diagnosed with Dysmenorrhea when I was fifteen years old. After missing at least one day of school a month because I was at home throwing up due to the extreme pain of my menstrual cramps, my mother finally cracked and took me in to get checked. I was put on birth control pills shortly after even though I was not sexually active because we were told the hormones in the pills would make my periods easier and boy did they! After three years of knowing I would be down for the count on a monthly basis, I was able to get my life back.

When I had my gallbladder removed a few years later I was checked out for Endometriosis but was told that it was a negative. She said I had beautiful ovaries. That reaffirmed the diagnosis of Dysmenorrhea, but all was good because I was on the pill, and life was golden.

As I got older and developed a nasty smoking habit I was less likely to want to take the pill due to the warning notices, and I eventually stopped taking them.

The cramps and symptoms came back almost immediately, and I was back to square one. This time I was missing work instead of school. Not cool, as I never got paid for going to school, but I did for work.

I quit smoking over a year ago, but now that I’m much higher up there in age the risk of stroke is still there. And to be honest, I had a system down. At the first sign of cramps, I would take a couple Advil, and it would usually snuff them out pretty well, as long as I got them right at the first twinge. I’d have all the other symptoms, but as long as I wasn’t puking from the pain I was able to live my day to day life.

It was on the days when the cramps snuck up on me while I was sleeping that were bad. If I wasn’t able to get the Advil into my system right away then nothing short of vomiting for awhile and then falling asleep would help. And honestly, there were days when the Advil just didn’t work. Thankfully these days were few and far between.

I had another bad day today. I’d been spotting for the last couple of days with some minor cramps. We went to my in-laws for breakfast and had a good time, but the cramps were starting to manifest at the tail end of the visit.

In true Kelly fashion I just hoped it was nothing and tried my best to ignore it, having no Advil on me and not wanting to cause a fuss. I took some when we got home, but it was too late.

Thankfully, I only threw up once and was able to put myself to bed with more Advil and a heating pad for an hour and a half. I only dozed in and out for a little while, but it was enough. I woke feeling a bit queasy still but with no more pain.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing about this right now. This isn’t my main journal where I pour most of my crazies onto the interwebs. I think it started as an excuse to validate why I only got a two mile run in over a three day weekend. I think though, in the end, it’s more of a means to get the word Dysmenorrhea out in the public a little more.

I think a lot of women have it and don’t even realize it is a health condition.

When I was a kid, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I’m certain my teachers and peers all thought I was faking since I hated school anyway. Great excuse…no one can actually PROVE you have cramps right?

When I was finally diagnosed, I had a name, but had no idea what it meant other than I could get birth control pills approved by my mom’s insurance.

As an older adult when it started to effect me again there was this glorious thing called the internet. I was able to type in the word and pull up the exact description of what had plagued me my whole life, print it out and show people.

The thing is; I still felt like no one really believed me. “Yeah Kelly, you get bad cramps, join the club. Isn’t Mother Nature a bitch? Do you actually think it warrants missing work?”

It might just be my own little paranoid mind; most things are. Sometimes I just get very worked up about something, and having to explain myself month after month to people that don’t understand or “get it” starts to piss me off.

This entry has nothing to do with weight loss, but it has everything to do with me freeing myself from the guilt I feel on a somewhat monthly basis when I simply cannot function without a heating pad and a puke bucket.

At any rate, it made me feel a little better to write it.

Weigh In and Thoughts on Exercise and Depression

Weight on 6/12/14:                 255
Weight this morning:              250.4
Total loss:                                   -4.6 pounds!

For not dieting, I’d say I’m pretty proud of myself.
Like I said in the last entry, I’m trying to make better choices but I am by no stretch of the imagination counting calories/carbs/points right now.
In the weeks following my birthday(May 30th) I was making some very poor choices and, as a result, I gained those four pounds I just lost, but more than that I felt like total crap, and my blood pressure was the highest it has been in many many years. Like, since I was put on BP meds when I was 26 years old and 300+ pounds. That scared me. A lot.
The good news is that this week of working out for four consecutive days in a row(another mile and a half today!) have brought my blood pressure back down, and I have to say I feel pretty amazing.
This is not new information. I know how great I feel right after I work out. However, it has been well over a year since I exercised regularly enough for it to effect me even longer than the immediate endorphins.
This week I have been going to bed earlier and sleeping better than I have in a very long time. My mood has improved by leaps and bounds. I have been fighting depression a lot the last two years and it had gotten to the point where I just accepted it. I didn’t even notice that it was effecting those around me. I can’t even imagine being my husband and having to put up with me coming home in a foul mood every single day, not wanting to talk only shutting down and wallowing in my own self-pity.
I have felt like a completely different person since I have been exercising. It’s almost shocking. A complete 180 degree turn. I know this sounds like I’m gushing, and I guess I am – but if you have ever lived your life in the dark tunnel of depression, it’s amazing that all I had to do was get out and walk in the sunshine for a half an hour a day.
I’m sure that I knew that back when I was training for the half marathons the first couple of times, and that would make sense because I wasn’t struggling with the depression back then. Not sure if I connected the two things at the time because it’s been a long time since the depression was so encompassing as it has been lately.
I need to make sure I remember this. Hopefully, I won’t need to since I hope to keep on trucking with the exercise.